A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
