I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
