yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
