Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
