I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
