he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
she pinky promised me she was 18
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
