I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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