Have you finally orgasmed yet?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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