I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
