Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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