apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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