and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
