No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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