hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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