my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
