toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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