no, he came in my armpit
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
