Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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