Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
