Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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