I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize