where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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