dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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