Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My ATM looks so different sober.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
