Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
