I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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