I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize