I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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