You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
