I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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