Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
