Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
