i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
