I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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