I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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