I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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