We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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