At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize