You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize