Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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