Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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