My boss' voice literally gives me gas
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
