Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
