I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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