I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
