They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
