Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You have to summon your inner elephant
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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