Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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