I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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