Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
