BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I will be naked everywhere
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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