apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
