we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
