I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
