So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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