I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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