Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
God, I missed his penis.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
