I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
