Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
