my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
