he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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