I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
