thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
