I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
