So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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