hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
